The truth.

I have been trying to write up a race report for the Mohawk-Hudson River Marathon that I ran three (!!!) weeks ago.

I just haven't been able to do it. I've started. I've stopped. I've gone on and on about this and that and I haven't been able to publish anything.

Why? Because it hasn't been real. It has been "my race report with a positive spin on it" and that just hasn't been cutting it this time.

You see, I'm disappointed. I was disappointed and, quite honestly, I still am.

I wanted to run under 3:55 and qualify for Boston. I wanted it so bad. I believed I could do it. And for about 21 miles I was on my way. I was doing it. And then I wasn't.

Sure, my calf cramped and that sucked. But you know what sucked even more? The fact that after I stopped and stretched and massaged my calf, I gave up.

I saw the pace group getting farther and farther away from me and instead of bucking up and trying to slowly gain back my time, I let it all go. I didn't have any push in me. For the last five miles of the race I walked a lot. I gave up on 3:55 and when I realized I'd have to really get it together to even break 4 hours, I gave up on that, too.

I just gave up.

And that is the huge disappointment.  I totally let myself down. And I feel like I let down every person who supported me and wished me well as I trained and trained for this marathon. It is a crummy feeling to have and one I need to work out if I want to go after something big again.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not all doom and gloom about my running.

I ran a freaking marathon, after all! And, my finish time of 4:05:04 was still really good. I know that. I simply wish I didn't have the breakdown. I wish I had enough mental toughness to achieve my goal.

It was still a good day. And I am grateful to my friends and family for coming out and cheering me on. Even though I didn't do what I set out to do, I finished. And there is something to be said for that!

With three of my faves -- Janis, Bridget, me, Elisa.

With my family!

So, that's the story of my marathon as I see it right now. I'll be back, I'm sure. I'm running a little -- took 10 days off and now I'm getting out for 3-5 miles here and there. I'd like to just run and take it easy for a month or so and see where I end up. That's just where I am right now.

Funny, writing about how I really feel about this marathon has already made me feel a little better!

Thanks for stopping by and reading my wah-wah race non-report!